Special "How To" Feature: How to Select a Political Party or Candidate

1) Pick a 24 hour cable news channel, down large quantity of trucker’s speed or equivalent, & consume programming nonstop for 3 to 4 days. Voila! Your opinions, conspiratorial suspicions, and virulent hatred of “those people” on “the other side” should now be fully absorbed!2) Flip coin (sorry Greens, Libertarians, & Independents, there are only two sides on the current coin format).3) Fully analyze the platforms of the respective parties, and research thoroughly the voting records of individual politicians for whom you think you might vote. Naw, scratch that one…too much work!4) Ask the biggest douche bag you know about his/her political preferences and simply adopt the exact opposite.

5) Take a few minutes and jot down your thoughts on the following: how many people, on an average day, do you want to bomb the living shit out of? Which candidate would you most like to enjoy a frosty mug of ice cold beer with? Who do you think is best fit to run the world—business, government, or government officials in bed with big business? Screw guns and butter, what about nukes or decent K-12 education?

6) Discard all political and social factors entirely and just go with your gut.

7) Broach party leadership for all major parties and propose a pay-for-vote bribe. Then, let the market decide.

8 One word: Looks! Everybody knows this is all that really matters in politics and indeed in life. He with the best, most prodigious coiffure—let him guide thee. Just like peacocks! (note: think twice before backing anyone donning the following: tail, ponytail, beehive, afro, crew cut, pigtails, razor cut, dreadlocks, tease, wave, flattop, bouffant, chignon, corn rows, ducktail, horse tail, Mohawk, pageboy, pixie, headdress, or anyone who mentions that they “just got their hair did”). Bobs are acceptable (especially from the Dole family), as is “The Junior Executive.” Word is still out on the potential danger or improbable value of a Presidential Mullet (PM).

9) When in doubt go with anyone that proclaims himself or herself “a decider.” You don’t actually want someone prone to thinking, do you? Blind conviction is so much easier. No annoying morals to weigh, no pesky concerns over equity for this guy or that gal, no cloying fear of reprisal. Reprise on, motherfuckers! Bring it on!

10) Let your parents show you the way, whether it be toward or away from their preferred party. For example, do you think of your Dad as “that puffy old useless windbag” or “that enlightened hero to the masses.” Best choose another direction. ‘Nough said.

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