Top Ten Reasons I Don’t “Facebook” (Much)

1) Quite content with corded-phone technology

2) I don’t care what you’re having for dinner

3) Big Brother is watching

4) Didn’t need Facebook to reach personal goal of 600 friends

5) Do you really know how many people have embarrassing pictures of you??

6) Relationship “Status” too frightening to contemplate

7) If we haven’t talked in ten years, we apparently don’t like each other that much

8 ) Trying to prove to friends that I don’t “have to” do it

9) Other things to do

10) Waiting for “Bodybook” before making my big appearance


Rock On! The Top Thirty All-Time Rock Star Moves

When performed with requisite panache, the poses, moves, and wiggly maneuvers rock stars employ during their live shows can become iconic, timeless even. From Chuck Berry’s duck walk to Elvis Presley’s swinging hips to G.G. Allin’s consumption of his own excrement, rockers seem to instinctively know when they have either created or merely drunkenly stumbled upon a seminal style of jumping, shaking, contorting, or even occasionally, dancing. All that’s left is to milk that sucker for all it’s worth. Below, a list of the thirty most jaw-dropping, mind-blowing, underpants wetness-generating rock star moves of all time.30) Iggy Pop: The “Rolling Shirtless in a Pile of Peanut Butter—Extra Chunky Glass Flavor” Move

29) Chris Robinson (Black Crowes): The Junkie Shuffle/Happy Hippy Feet/Limp-Wrist Jesus

28) Ozzy Osbourne: The Improbably Taking the Stage Move

27) Mick Jagger: The “Arms Contorted behind Me, Past out of Joint, with a Little Catfish Pucker for Good Measure” maneuver

26) Steven Tyler: The “Jagger’s a Thin-Lipped Pussy”

25) Robert Plant: The My Cock Is In Your Face

24) Joe Cocker: The Retard Electrocution

23) Chuck Berry: The I’m Gonna Steal Your White Girls Strut

22) Jerry Lee Lewis: The I’m Gonna Steal Your 13 Year Old White Girls Strut

21) Neil Young: The Old Man Take a Look at This Old Man (also, The “Man, You Think It’s Bad, I Have to Hear My Voice Every Damn Night”)

20) Bruce Springsteen: The “I’m Better Than You and Enjoying This Way More Than You Are” Maneuver

19) Roy Orbison: The “I Might Be Old and Blind But Not Useless” Old Useless Blind Guy Routine (author’s note: Roy Orbison not actually blind despite popular rumor)

18) Jimi Hendrix: The “Let My Guitar Do the Talking So I Can Minimize My Terrible Singing” move

17) Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins): The Let My Guitar Do the Talking…My Singing’s Worse Than Fucking Hendrix

16) David Lee Roth: The Chap in Assless Chaps

15) Elton John: The “Mr. Mayor, His Honorable Bespectacled Daffy Duck Butt” shuffle

14) Elvis Presley: The “Pelvis” and later, the “Fatvis”

13) Kurt Cobain: The “I’m So Affected I Don’t Even Care” (also, The “I Don’t Want My Money or Fame, All I Want Is This Green Cardigan”)

12) Noel Gallagher/Liam Gallagher (Oasis): The “Not Only Am I Bigger than the Beatles and Jesus, I’m Bigger than My Little Brother, Liam” and The “Not Only Am I Bigger than the Beatles and Jesus, I’m Bigger Than My Big Brother, Noel” respectively

11) Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine): The Rage Against The Coffeemaker

10) Lou Reed: The “Who Turned on the Goddamned Sun!”

9) Joe Strummer: The Thanks to Political Injustice I Haven’t Taken a Shit in a Month

8) Robert Johnson: The I Just Killed a Woman with a Guitar String After She Sold My Soul to the Devil for a Can of Tuna Fish, and Later I Tried to Sell My Soul Again to Get Back that Tuna Fish ‘Cuz I Ain’t Ate in Three Days

7) Sid Vicious: The Comatose Dumbass

6) David Bowie: The “Won’t You Please Fuck My Space Age Man Pussy?”

5) Freddie Mercury: The Spandex Mustache

4) Bono: The ElectroChrist (Also, the Blue Blocker Jesus)

3) Neil Diamond: The Panty Melter

2) Tom Jones: The Panty Ejector

1) Axl Rose: The “Appetite for Chicken Wings & Heroin”