Look folks, I used to be a big fan. In fact, I go back all the way back to Season One and a little pop sensation I like to call Kelly Clarkson. But the show has gotten stale, “jumping” Fonzi’s famous shark several seasons past. Shoot, even the normally calm and tolerant Simon Cowell can’t take it anymore. So it got me to thinking…if any American-themed show were available to replace the 260 hours of weekly Idol and Idol-related Fox content, what would I consider as an alternative?
And with that, the Top Ten Shows I’d Rather Watch Than American Idol
10) American Garbage Can—a straight hour of any random American garbage can. Maybe you see garbage dumped in, maybe you don’t. If someone drops off a load, you’ll be especially lucky to catch a quick open, sniff, expression of disgust, and rapid shut.
9) American Colostomy Bag —a weekly special dedicated to the procedure—ne fine art—that is the removal of human waste via the bypassing of the lower intestines and excretory system.
8 ) American Cowpie (dried up cow dung) Toss—who doesn’t love an old-fashioned cowpie toss? Plus, there must surely be some crossover fans between AC (‘merican Colonoscopy) and ACT
7) American Tuna Fish—a day in the life of a can of Tuna Fish. Utilizes state-of-the-art technologies such as the Grocery Cart Cam and Cupboard Cam. Television viewing on the topic of tuna has never been so tasty.
6) American Back Pain—From visits to the specialist, chiropractor, back to the specialist, to the pharmacist, back to old Dr. Budweiser, this show chronicles the spellbindingly non-specific yet crippling condition of lower to mid and upper back pain, told from the perspective of Jerry, a 44 year-old plumber and father of three from Hoboken, NJ. Things take a wild turn in Season Two when “that hippy friend” of Jerry’s wife convinces him to try Yoga. Once.
5) American Freak-O-Nature—from Paula LaGrange’s impossibly wide bottom to Frank Dellareese’s freaky third nipple, this show ensures that at least the most fucked-up among us get our 15 minutes of fame. If you missed last year’s season opener (“Unibrows and the Women Who Love Them”) be sure not to miss this year’s, entitled “Belly Button Funk: Get Funky!”
4) American Spittoon—this one will launch you back in time to when your pappy, grandpappy, uncle, cousin, brother, or son used to “gather everybody around the old spittoon” to tell stories about adventure, adversity, and snus. Well, mostly just snus.
3) American Cheese—concept still in development, but the material thus far seems overly processed and virtually tasteless. Critics and fans alike won’t shed many tears when this series is mercifully “individually wrapped.”
2) American Lint Filter—the first all-out drama to make the Top Ten list, this show touchingly reenacts the trials and travails that can occur when a lint trap is wholly overloaded and leads to explosion and/or generally poor indoor air quality.
1) America’s Got Talent—no seriously. I’d rather watch this. No, I’d rather drop a cowpie in a spittoon, the contents of which were deposited by America’s most degenerate freak, wrap it in American cheese, slather it generously with tuna fish, roll the concoction vigorously in lint, let it fester on the sweaty mid-back of Jerry from Hoboken’s sweaty plumber’s back and then feed it to myself through my own colostomy tube. I’m done.