101 Reasons to Love Sarah Palin (Satire)

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1)     Perky, perky, perky

2)     Husband a world champion “snow machine” racer

3)     Fashionable sense in glasses

4)     Cares about her family more than you care about yours

5)     Most patriotic woman alive

6)     Penchant for exotic Christianity (Pentacostal)

7)     Opposes protection for whales, who have been hogging the spotlight for years

8)     Qualifications City, baby!

9)     The “Wasilla Wonder”

10)  Too hot to handle

11)  Loves guns like children

12)  Breaking new ground on Intelligent Design

13)  HAS to be dirty in the bedroom

14)  Still a breath of fresh air after days

15)  Possesses seemingly magical “Palin Power”

16)  May just be Abraham Lincoln in his next life

17)  That crazy look in her eyes

18)  Being anti-government while being in, then out, then back in then back out of government

19)  Guts to quit job as Governor

20)  Not afraid to use the veto pen liberally (her only liberal trait)

21)  Insists bridges must go somewhere rather than nowhere

22)  Actually PAID you to live in Alaska

23)  Brought us back to the future of energy…OIL!

24)  Living embodiment of individual human rights

25)  Only shot at life for McCain campaign (then and at any time in future)

26)  Blind faith easy to come by in the GOP

27)  Sassy way she crinkles her nose when dissing an opponent

28)  Hair?  Perfect.

29)  Queen of one liners (and eyeliners)

30)  You love her more than anyone in this whole world

31)  Most patriotic American, living or dead

32)  Heart only bleeds pure grit

33)  She’s just like you, only a former Governor and Vice Presidential candidate

34)  Can wake up the sleepy base

35)  Founded Republican Party (little known fact!)

36)  The snark factor

37)  Knows how to shake her money maker with requisite decorum

38)  Pulls no punches (nor inane statements)

39)  Still actively cutting her foreign policy “chops” (which includes looking over at Russia every morning before killing first animal of the day)

40)  Likes the ride on the “Straight Talk Express”

41)  Approved hunting wolves from helicopters to jumpstart growth in moose population (i.e. not afraid to make the tough, bizarre decisions)

42)  Clings to both religion and guns

43)  Tied up the score with the Dems and that old maid Geraldine Ferraro

44)  Ended massive urban blight of Wasilla, AL

45)  Willing to press the red button whenever she feels like it

46)  She loves you back

47)  Born in mystical land of True American Ideals

48)  Gained Fred Thompson’s respect (for whatever that’s worth) for ability to gut a deer, kick back with a cold one, and “run” a state

49)  Most experienced politician ever

50)  Rejects societal norms on naming children, preferring names such as Bristol, Willow, & Trac. Trac? Really?

51)  Chose not to abort daughter’s baby

52)  Aggressively uses what Pat Buchanan called the “feminine stiletto”

53)  Keeps her pork away from her barrels

54)  Son enlisted on September 11 (how politically expedient!)

55)  Looks great in mauve

56)  Connects well with the right, the far right, and the REALLY far right

57)  Five child family ups US average and helps country stand up to Chinese communist threat

58)  Got your back in street fight

59)  Dictionary definition of M.I.L.F.

60)  More foreign policy experience than you (probably true…seriously, I don’t know who reads this stuff)

61)  Doesn’t but into that evolution bull-crap

62)  Bachelor’s degree

63)  Hubby an All-American steelworker

64)  Bakes a mean snickerdoodle

65)  Gives women sense of self, men a popped chubby

66)  Mad as hell and not gonna take it any more

67)  Balls bigger and less shriveled than any of other 2012 hopefuls

68)  75% MORE maverick!

69)  Former sports reporter (it’s almost Reagan-esque)

70)  What’s not to love?

71)  Needlepoint skills are off the hook

72)  Prefers upfront obliteration to stop-gap measures or time-consuming diplomacy

73)  Still doesn’t know, or frankly care, “what the Vice President does everyday”

74)  Plays well against Obama’s blackness

75)  Is ready to finally rid communities of worthless community organizers

76)  Comfortable among rich White oil men, rich White politicians, Herman Cain, and poor White suckers alike

77)  Married high school sweetheart (Aw!)

78)  First notable thing to happen in Alaska since Seward’s Folly

79)  Makes Ferraro look like Ernest Borgnine and Pelosi Joan Rivers

80)  Only person capable of making Mike Huckabee look like a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart social liberal

81)  Smoked grass in high school, but in politically correct fashion didn’t like it

82)  Placed second in Miss Alaska contest, thereby avoiding “that f-in b@#ch” crown given annually backstage by fellow contestants

83)  Known as “Sarah Barracuda” for mad b-ball skills

84)  Heart.  Yes, of steel…but heart.

85)  Unique views on gun control (control your own arsenal and secure your bunker)

86)  Registered E-Bayer

87)  Despite being on earmark-less ticket, secured $27 million in earmarks for Wasilla

88)  Puts fear of God into everyone and everything, including God itself

89)  After leaving office after maximum two years as Mayor, endorsed stepmother-inlaw’s opponent (don’t double cross her or you’ll pay…oh, how you’ll pay)

90)  Whistle blower behind Alaska’s largest-ever fine: a mind-boggling $12,000

91)  Apparent anti-polar bear streak shows she puts people first

92)  One word: Moxie!

93)  Better hair and smile than even Joe Biden

94)  Satisfies naughty librarian fantasies

95)  Annoying squeaky voice virtually guarantees a minimal amount of wasted time interacting with other world actors

96)  Fully vetted last time around, and by McCain himself, in 15-minute interview

97)  NRA chicks are not only rootin’ tootin’, but smokin’ and totin’

98)  Has patience of Job: likes ice fishing

99)  Not “submissive” to hubby like that wuss Michele Bachmann

100)  Able to generate consistent momentum for campaign by not doing anything (a not inconsiderable skill!)

101) God’s favorite daughter


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