Top 15 Signs Your Loved One Is Becoming A Republican or Democrat

It’s always hard to watch someone you love get tossed about the rough and tumble seas of life—particularly when influenced by insidious others, substances, or forces.  Think of the budding terrorist, the alcoholic, or the online chat lover.  While there is always a neighbor or two available to confirm he “saw nothing out of the ordinary” and that the neighbor in question “was just a regular guy,” there are always too those left behind who blame themselves and only then recognize the missed early warning signs.  It’s no different with young Republicans and Democrats.  Below, the top fifteen signs (in no particular order) that your loved one may be on the brink of becoming a full-blown left or righty.

Donkey-esque Democrat Symbol: It Does Take Moxie to Adopt as Your Mascot, LITERALLY, an Ass

Elephant-esque GOP Symbol: Accurate in That Many are Old, Slow, Plodding, & Have Long Memories of Own Bad Policy Decisions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15) Young Republican: Believes Fox News truly is both “Fair” and “Balanced”

Budding Democrat: Believes there is actual difference between MSNBC & Fox

14) Young Republican: Has started to talk about how impractical/infeasible/not-going-to-happen things such as eliminating the Fed, going back to the Gold Standard, or never raising revenue are not only practical and feasible but must occur to ensure our very survival

Budding Democrat: Has started to talk about how impractical/infeasible/not-going-to-happen things such as ending poverty, eliminating discrimination, and world peace are practical, feasible, and must occur to ensure our very survival

13) Young Republican: Works “un-Constitutional” into near all conversations, even those not remotely involving Constitutional issues

Budding Democrat: Sees constitution as, like, a fluid, “breathing,” far out kind of document, man…

12) Young Republican: Seriously entertained candidacies of Fred Thompson, Sarah Palin, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, Michele Bachmann, or Herman Cain

Budding Democrat: Thinks Howard Dean got a raw deal and deep down feels bad Dennis Kucinich and Reverend Al Sharpton aren’t given more of a chance (despite own unwillingness to give said individuals a chance)

11) Young Republican: “O’Reilly Factor” hoodie clearly now favorite garment

Budding Democrat: “Daily Show with Jon Stewart” coffee mug seen as subtle but strong and clear political message in office

10) Young Republican: Open to idea of adding Ronald Reagan to the Holy Trinity and creating a Holy Quartet, pending the Good Lord’s approval

Budding Democrat: Loves to say “Reaganomics” despite only vague notion of meaning

9) Young Republican: Starts every political conversation with “Those damn liberals in Washington”

Budding Democrat: Starts every political conversation with “Those bat-shit crazy conservatives”

8) Young Republican: Trying to draw meaningful distinctions between Tea Party & mainstream GOP

Budding Democrat: Fearing day Tea Party shows up at front door bearing torches and pitchforks

7) Young Republican: Thinks Birthers make some compelling points

Budding Democrat: Thinks Birthers make some particularly bat-shit crazy points

6) Young Republican: Formally pledged allegiance to the Pledge of Allegiance

Budding Democrat: Despite feelings of patriotism, stayed silent, murmured, or lip-spoke the Pledge throughout grade school in quiet protest of conflation of church and state

5) Young Republican: Doesn’t see any connection between running up deficits and unparalleled, unfettered military spending

Budding Democrat: Blames 100% of deficit on military spending

4) Young Republican: Doesn’t get bogged down with “the Facts”

Budding Democrat: Insists he/she knows “the Facts”

3) Young Republican: Tells you over and again how he/she can’t understand why nobody sees the huge and totally obvious left wing liberal media conspiracy

Budding Democrat: Tells you he/she can’t understand why Fox allowed to exist, despite insistence on belief in freedom of speech

2) Young Republican: All for personal rights, his or her own personal rights, that is

Budding Democrat: Would give up personal rights to put a smile on the face of just one hungry needy child

1) Young Republican: Sees own ancestral immigration story as part of proud American history, but contemporary immigration as problem caused by damn liberals in Washington

Budding Democrat: Has no idea what to make of American ideals on immigration and new global realities

So these are but a few of the early or intermediate stage signs that your loved one may be in trouble.  Unfortunately, there is little that can be done.  One could stage an intervention, but it would likely just burst into a blazing orgy of angry political “debate.”  One could suggest exploring the merits of Libertarianism or the Greens, but that would by necessity involve…Libertarianism or the Greens.  Marxism is never going to fly here, despite the Republican claims it has already been installed. Apolitical-ism?

It may be our only hope.


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