Pros & Cons of Becoming an Alcoholic so I can Finish My Great Novel

Everyone knows booze and writing great books go hand in hand like opium and penning your memoirs.  After reading the bios of such heavyweights as Hunter S. Thompson, Tennessee Williams, Dylan Thomas, Edgar Allen Poe, Truman Capote, Jack Kerouac William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Joyce, and Hemingway, to name just 8, I found there was one common denominator—yep, that’s right, the juice.


ADDITIONAL NOTE: Before you get all up in my biz about how alcoholism is nothing to joke about, don’t. This is a piece of satire. Mostly. Kind of.  Enough already! Get off my f-in’ back for cripes sake geez sometimes a guy just wants to kick back with a fifth so he can get his head straight for a while!

So, with that, then, I present the Prose (get it?) and Cons of “becoming” an alcoholic so I can finally pen my first book, a humanity-changing magnum opus that works on all levels.

Pro:  .05% increase in chance of finishing

Con:  Margin of error of +/- .05% (blood alcohol level of .35 +/- .10)

Pro: Get to go straight to the hard stuff

Con:  Ever heard of a perforated ulcer?

Pro:  Join the ranks of the above named and other greats…

Con: …in the grave.

Pro:  85,000-word opus!

Con:  Can only make out, with the one good eye open, about 3,500

Pro:  Hard-hitting, balls-out writing style virtually a lock

Con:  Head hurting, kick-to-the-groin hangover 100% guaranteed

Pro:  Drink guilt-free by noon, as it’s all part of the job

Con:  Coma-like sleep, sans pants, by 2 p.m.

Pro:  Daily satisfaction of job well done

Con:  On second look who the fuck am I kidding

Pro:  Finally, something I can really sink my teeth into

Con:  Chipped tooth on piss warm Old Style beer bottle left on cigarette-butt-strewn coffee table, woozily trying to open by mouth whilst crashing into davenport

Pro:  Some chicks dig the lost desperate artist type

Con:  They’re those chicks.

Pro:  No boss man hasslin’ me all damn time, askin’ me this that motherfucker, it’s my way or highway…insuffffferable….asshat!

Con: It’s the highway.

Pro:  Advent of laptop facilitated creative process

Con:  MacBook Pro piss-poor at absorbing spilled quart of gin

So as you can see, the cons outweigh the pros, at least on paper…or…off…whichever way it should be to be better in this case and yes by the way yes the on paper pun is just as of now intended.  Ha!

Guess I’ll do it the old fashioned way.  Wonder where a guy gets him some opium these days…


5 thoughts on “Pros & Cons of Becoming an Alcoholic so I can Finish My Great Novel

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