1) Always check the sports listings before agreeing to anything. When your team is on the tube, hold your ground. When any other team is on, say “Well, honbuns, I was going to watch the big game, but what the heck.” This earns critical bonus points.
2) Tell her that the most important thing is that she likes the new clothes she’s shopping for. Let her pick out a hearty selection, hit the changing room, then plug in your earpiece and check the game. Upon each exit, shrug the shoulders, pout a bit, and tell her alternately “hmm, I kind of like it,” “that one’s…interesting…” or even a gutsy “nope, not so much…” She’ll appreciate your ‘honesty’ on the way to buying whatever she wanted to buy anyway. You can ‘appreciate’ it later the one time she wears it.
3) Let her push the cart, because she enjoys it. If for one millisecond it seems she doesn’t enjoy it, however, push that shit with all you’ve got.
4) Never remind her of the incredible number of garments she already owns but never wears. That is not the issue at hand. Plus, you probably have a hundred skanky tees in a box or drawer somewhere that are begging to be retired.
5) Utter the phrase “whatever you like honey” at every possible opportunity. Do not, however, become lackadaisical and utter it endlessly or without any logical interjection point. For example, if she offers “honey, I need to go to the ladies room, do you need to go?” snap out of it chief, you either do or you don’t, but “whatever you like honey” doesn’t always work from a fluidity perspective.
6) Don’t try to convince her everything you two need can be found at an electronics, convenience, or liquor store. Crystal clear LCD images of fragrant flowers, pine tree air fresheners, or quarts of juniper infused gin will not fulfill a need for something ‘fresh’ or that ‘smells nice.’ These are things you do not understand, nor should you ever pretend to.
7) Always hang on the periphery, if not just outside the store. You’re only complicating things standing right next to her, entering an awkward clerk/girlfriend exchange, or ogling other women as they try on outfit after outfit of delicious (or garish) garb. Just be the aloof creature you are. In this case, indifference pays dividends.
8) When visiting Victoria’s Secret, alternately mention that you hear they have some nice perfumes and sprays, that they carry good utility-type underwear, and that the lacy numbers with the g-strings and stockings are by all means great based on their own merits, but not an absolute necessity. Never reference a specific girl from the Vicky’s catalog, nor how great she looked in the Wonder-bra or any other garment from the catalog you illicitly stashed under the bathroom sink. And, beware conversational traps, for this is prime ground for their setting. Remember, you “don’t really like that dirty stuff” unless you’re sure she likes that dirty stuff in which case you really (but not too really) like that dirty stuff.
9) No mall is so far away that it is not worth the trip if there is an advertised ‘Super Sale.’ Let me repeat. NO MALL IS TOO FAR AWAY.
10) Buying shit for a woman is the equivalent of a meal being the way to a man’s heart. But, sorry to say that most likely she likes the equivalent of expensive, once in a blue moon meals. I mean, what is it in womens’ terms that equals a quarter pounder with cheese, a slice of Mom’s homemade lasagna, a nice extra crispy KFC chicken breast, some jo-jo cut potatoes, a soft taco supreme, a nice filet mignon, and three helpings of whatever the fuck you fancy plus caramel and other desserts including ice cream ala-mode off the belly of a chick who is not your girlfriend or wife? Well, my friend, the only answer that I know of is that the equivalent is a very expensive Fendi handbag or some nice La Perla. And that’s going to cost a shitbuttload more than an evening at Ponderosa Steakhouse. Deal with it, sucka, and be sure to smile as you do so.