I picked up the mail today and, what’s this, a personal letter from Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney? I’m touched that a man of his pedigree would take time out of his busy day to write me.
So let’s have a look at this bad boy.
Okay, right there, off to a bad start. There’s no ‘h,’ and I rarely shorten my name. Really, I only allow it from close friends and family members. But this is Mitt Romney we’re talking about, so maybe I need to let this minor faux pas slide. Moving on.
“I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.”
Wha? Me, notable? Me, Republican? Me, confused! Mr. Romney, you are going to need a better advance team than you’ve apparently got if you want this notable to cast a vote your way!
“It’s simple really…”
I must admit, I dig the liberal ellipsis use…
“I believe in America.”
Enough, apparently, to click both the bold and underline buttons. Well played, fine sir.
Yadi, yadi, blah, blah…
“Like you, I care deeply about America’s history, its promise and its future. And, like you, I am sick and tired of BIG GOVERNMENT.”
So you want to run the whole thing?
Obama bad, debt skyrocketing, platitudes in letters soaring…
Okay, that’s starting to grate…
“I am sure you agree that America—quite literally—cannot afford another four years of fiscally irresponsible leadership in the White House.”
Mitt—quite literally—you’re really starting to strike me as a major league tool.
“If you believe I have what it takes to get America working again, I would be honored to have your support. Your generous contribution of $2,500—the maximum allowed by law—will help me get my fiscally conservative message out to voters. Even if you can’t send the maximum, your contribution of $100, $250, $500, or even $1,000 will be much appreciated.”
All right, suck a lemon rich Whitey.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you mean “1,000, $500, $250, or even $100…”
Olympics this, private sector that…
Father humble lath and plaster man…
Believe in America, more than just a campaign slogan…
Land of opportunity, apple horseshit pie…
“The current administration is doing everything it can to crush our spirit of enterprise and innovation.”
Everything it can to crush our spirit?!? Holy crap! Can I make a secure online contribution for the maximum amount allowed by law?!?
“Yes, John, you can.”
“Our President has failed us. It has become painfully clear that he does not believe in America…”
All right well jokes aside, that seems a little overblown…I’m starting to grow tired of your self-righteous faux-humble rhetoric…
“John, you have a long and proud history of supporting conservative candidates and causes and I would be honored to earn your support today. I look forward to hearing from you and working with you in the weeks and months ahead. Sincerely, Mitt.”
All right it’s painfully obvious that Mitt and his (on) crack staff are throwing darts at the wall blindfolded. Either that or they’re banking that I’m schizophrenic and that on Election Day I’ll be expressing my Reginald Higginbottom the 3rd, Esq. personality.
“P.S. I believe that the principles that made America the leader of the world are the very principles that will keep America the leader of the world tomorrow. If you agree, please join my team today by sending your generous contribution of $100, $250, $500, $1,000, or even the maximum $2,500.”
Kiss it Mihtt.