Am I Just Tired?

Am I just tired, tired of being, or tired of being me?
Is there desire? Desire for being, or desire to be set free?
And if freedom means dying, don’t think I’m not trying
Life is like that, you’re on your way
And if it’s truly over, look back but go forward
You can have it all, your dying day
Is there a fire, when danger is a given?
Isn’t it stranger to hold it at bay?
Can we find safety, or is safety just illusion
Does it matter if we last the day?
Kick it around, and what will be found
Depends on a point of view
But is there a point, and is there a view?
And what binds or makes the two?
More questions than answers, but perhaps that’s the fun
Certainty is compelling, but tends toward the one
One is a paradox–that one, a one, anyone, someone
No need to explain
To make it plain
It’s plain to see
We’re straight up trapped, until we’re free
Is it better to know your time is up, or is time prone to slice you up
It’s up to us though we may never know
Nor do we have much choice
But to choose on imperfect information
For bittersweet and eternal vacations
But no one really knows, or been back from the brink
Some say they’ve been, some say they think
There must be something more, or simply what’s the point?
They insist they know, they self anoint
And that’s just fine for me
‘Cause it’s out of my purview
But if you’d ask, I’d guess, there are no special cues
When we leave this life its final, and finally we shall know
Where it is we’ve come from, and where it is we’ll go
As for me I think it’s nowhere, though nowhere is still a place
Reality and nothingness are sure to share a space
With what we know, the unknowable
With what we think, the unthinkable
With who we are, the un-be-able
There has to be middle, if muddled, ground
Transience and permanence
A yin, a yang
A face, a dead serious proposition
A lie, a guess, an earnest admission
In the end it’s clearly unclear, why we try, why we’re here
Why we sing, why we shed these sorry tears
Does life owe us a debt?
Could a cost even be set?
Would we ask for payment in insights, joys, or years?
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An Ode to Fritz, King of Weiner Dogs

He wasn’t sophisticated
Or debonair
But he could steal the show
And piddle far
He was a hit with the ladies
And Dieter too
He could steal the show
And piddle far
Oh, Fritzie
You’re still a star
Fritz thought that he was equal
Fritz thought that he was people
Well he’d roll in smelly piles
Fritz was my buddy
Short, brown, and stubby
He could pull those rocks right out of Weaver Lake
Oh, Fritz I miss the lake
He could sit on two legs
And beg like a dog
He knew what he liked
And he did what he wanted
But he knew what loyalty was
And he knew when he’d been bad
And he could make you fall in love
Just like he did to my Dad
Fritz thought that he was equal
Fritz though that he was people
Well he’d roll in fetid piles
Fritz was my buddy
Short, brown, and ruddy
Well he could pull those rocks right out of Weaver Lake
Fritz I miss the lake
We’ll always have the lake
Well I can see Fritz sitting in an empty hall
In that house on Weaver Lake
He knew change was gonna come
And I can see Fritz lying dead, I’m dumb, there’s no one home
Well I still couldn’t look away
But I can see Fritz
Running down that hill
Knowing those rocks weren’t far away
Fritz thought that he was equal
Fritz thought that he was people
Well he’d roll in stinky piles
Fritz was my buddy
Short, brown, and muddy
He could pull those rocks right out of Weaver Lake
Fritz I miss the lake
I’ll see you at the lake

Everything Nothing Something

I ask, do you love me?
I think I give myself I way
I turn my heart out
For everyone to see

You ask, do I love you?
In time I surely will
For now, you are leaving
Are you with me still?

Life has a way
Of killing you slowly
It’s good
It’d bad
It’s crazy
It’s sad

And life has a way
Of making you lonely
Your friends
Your lovers
Your Mom
Your Dad

Baby can you hear me?
Even across the miles
Jesus can you hear me?
Am I still your lovely child?

Buddha can you teach me?
I’ve been lost out here a while
Baby can you save me?
With just one smile

Once in a while

Life has a way
Of being the only
Gift you gave
You cherished
You saved

And life
It just may
Leave you so lonely
You pray
To stay
So close
Today

And it’s all the same
Everything, nothing, something
It’s just a game
It’s nothing, something, anything
Forget the blame
It’s your thing, my thing, nothing
Forget the shame
It’s nothing…

The space that’s between us
Proves there’s weight in the air
These truths that bind us
Make lies too crude to bear

Where will the hours find us?
And how will our bodies wear?
And if the hours blind us
Are we too blind to care?

Well I don’t care

‘Cause life has a way
Of showing you the only
Paths to take
And plans to make

And life has a way
Of showing you slowly
That you are okay

Lewis & Salvadore

Donner Lake Pass in the Sierra Nevada Mountain...

Image via Wikipedia

Come on Lewis*
Come on Salvadore
There’s gold in the hills
But your hearts
Are worth much more
We’ll go to the place
Where survivors go

You’re Mother Nature’s only sons
And didn’t you know?

When you give this gift
The spirits lift

And it’s crazy in its way
It’s holy in its way

It’s California

So come on Lewis
Come on Salvadore

Was it the day
That made them all ignore?

Or is this the way all things must pass?
Analyze the difference and you’re warm at last

And when you give this gift
I’ll place it in a sac upon my hip

And you can lead the way
Crazy all the way

To California

*Lewis and Salvadore (actually Luis & Salvadore) were two Miwok Indians from California directed by their employer to bring food to and help guide to safety the famous Donner Party, which during the treacherous winter of 1847 was stranded attempting to cross the Sierra Nevada Mountains. A number of Donner Party members resorted to cannibalism to survive, which many did. Initially, members of the party agreed to eat human flesh only after several members of the group had died “naturally.”

Only three members of the party refused to eat human meat, including Luis and Salvadore. Within several days, however, these three also partook, realizing this last resort was their only option. After the group regained strength and surged forward for several days, they found themselves hungry once again, and several men began to discuss murdering Luis and Salvadore to provide additional sustenance. A Mr. Eddy argued against the idea and tipped off Luis & Salvadore that they would likely be killed. The Miwok heeded the warning and struck off on their own only to be found several days later by members of the party out to hunt game. Luis & Salvadore lay before Eddy and a Mr. Foster, alive but freezing to death. Eddy, despite his best efforts, was unable to prevent Foster from killing the two Indians.

This short poem was written in honor of Luis and Salvadore for their attempt to help those who would ultimately treat them as savages.

Best I Could

You were killing angels
And robbing saints

Painting them black
With your guilty paints

I would have tried to save you
But I’m not quite there

I Would have forgiven you
But I couldn’t stand to bear

The weights which make good men
The balance only makes sense

To saints who have seen the end
And in my defense

I did the best I could.

Went back to the nursery
Reversed the lie of fate

Took comfort in the things I know
Like the night coming late

Exposed the side which thinks too much
Of that which will not change

I’ll carry all my sins with me
And those I’ve rearranged

And I hope that it’s good

I did the best I could.

Father, where are you now?
Please make it good

Tell me that you love me
I know you did the best you could

Mother, will you hold me now?
And tell me its okay

I’ll take you both with me
When I blow away

No Yin No Yang

I guess what I couldn’t see
She was expanding her enterprise
Every night she closed her eyes
Pressed them tight to verify

She needed to be free

But only if there would be no price
And she couldn’t ask for paradise
No yin, no yang, no Jesus Christ

Just the freedom to be gone

And that means there could be no past
No ties to bind or hands to clasp
Two people who might never last

There’s no reason in regret

So now she’s in the atmosphere
In this world, that, or nowhere near
Just a memory that I need to clear

And a future yet to find

& I was as far into the ether
She wasn’t me and I couldn’t be her
But life is still so take a picture

It’s the only way to see she or me
Or anybody

Why?

Sometimes I feel
Like I’m not built to last
I’m caught by my past
The die has been cast

& Sometimes I feel
Like I’m not built for speed
There’s nothing I want
But so much I need

& Sometimes I feel
I’m just going through the motions
I’ve got this crazy notion
That it might be time to die

But really, why?