Fun With Album Covers: Part Two

WARNING: This post contains adult humor, crude language, drug references and fat jokes.

Okay, it’s clear after the first installment that this s@#t just writes itself. Below, for your reading, viewing, and thankfully not listening pleasure are more classic slabs of ridiculous wax.

FWAC Tasty Treat #3: Woody Woodbury Looks at Love & Life: Fun, Foolosophy and a Frantic Piano for Frisky Adults Only, Woody Woodbury, Stereoddities Records

"Reminds me of the old Sears catalog days..."

Well although the beginning of Woody’s selected record title implies thoughtful, philosophical meditations on our complex time here on this rock we call Earth, the artwork tells a different story.  The only thing Woody is lookin’ at is some fine Granny-pantied ass.  And, stunned to see such a fine specimen through what may symbolize the very keyhole of life, Woody’s attention is obviously growing larger by the moment. Perhaps that’s what the Wood-man means by ‘foolosophy,’ the higher order, enlightened realization that only one thing matters in this Godforsaken life, and that’s fine, fine poontang.

Fun With Album Covers: Part One

I’m a bargain bin hunter, and when I’m hunting for snipe (rare old jazz or blues records) I come across a lot of…well…let’s say varied material.  And while the prices at my local Goodwill store are indeed low, you gotta have a decent reason to crowd your place with excess wax.  That said, my general rule of thumb is to purchase only LPs that I care to listen to or that I think may be collectible/valuable.  But lately, I’ve been surprisingly intrigued by a third and often overlooked category–that of the sonically useless and wholly uncollectible but definitely sporting a hilarious cover genre.  So my promise to you, dear reader, is that I will keep my third eye open for gems such as those below.  When I uncover these rare slabs, I will periodically post them here along with some hysterical snarky commentary, all for your ultimate humor pleasure, in this newest STOTU series Fun With Album Covers (FWAC).

Guitar Face: Involuntary, Reflexive, & Totally Bitchin’

Guitar Face is a condition that afflicts thousands of string benders and riff munchers across the globe.  For those who suffer the condition, the consequences can be serious but in almost all cases non-fatal.  Symptoms include extreme contortions of the eyebrows, eyes, nose, mouth, and chin, and an insatiable appetite for rocking.

Like a drug addict, a person going through AIGFS (Acquired Involuntary Guitar Face Syndrome) rarely pauses to consider his or her condition but instead just keeps looking for that next big fix/killer riff/ear-destroying solo blast.  Myself a long-time sufferer, I decided to catalogue a few of the “GFs” I’ve made or witnessed in my many devious days in rawk.

I hope this proves helpful in diagnosing yourself or someone you love,  that it makes you cue up that old Iron Maiden Number of the Beast LP, or that it merely gives you a chuckle.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT

Top Ten Unused Blues Musician Names

1)    Blind Willie Jefferson

2)    Scatman “Bad Scat” Williams

3)    Petey “Lemon Bark” Patterson

4)    Booby “.357” Carter

5)    Frank “Forget two-timin’, I be three-timin’!” Bailey

6)    Robert “Syphilis” Brown

7)    Chicken Leg Smith, the 3^rd

8)    Spike “Shot my old lady down at the crossroads, 3 a.m., drunk on gin, and yeah I kinda liked it” Washington

9)    John “Ice Pick” Patterson

10)Clarence “Gangrene & Gout” Johnson

Rock On! The Top Thirty All-Time Rock Star Moves

When performed with requisite panache, the poses, moves, and wiggly maneuvers rock stars employ during their live shows can become iconic, timeless even. From Chuck Berry’s duck walk to Elvis Presley’s swinging hips to G.G. Allin’s consumption of his own excrement, rockers seem to instinctively know when they have either created or merely drunkenly stumbled upon a seminal style of jumping, shaking, contorting, or even occasionally, dancing. All that’s left is to milk that sucker for all it’s worth. Below, a list of the thirty most jaw-dropping, mind-blowing, underpants wetness-generating rock star moves of all time.30) Iggy Pop: The “Rolling Shirtless in a Pile of Peanut Butter—Extra Chunky Glass Flavor” Move

29) Chris Robinson (Black Crowes): The Junkie Shuffle/Happy Hippy Feet/Limp-Wrist Jesus

28) Ozzy Osbourne: The Improbably Taking the Stage Move

27) Mick Jagger: The “Arms Contorted behind Me, Past out of Joint, with a Little Catfish Pucker for Good Measure” maneuver

26) Steven Tyler: The “Jagger’s a Thin-Lipped Pussy”

25) Robert Plant: The My Cock Is In Your Face

24) Joe Cocker: The Retard Electrocution

23) Chuck Berry: The I’m Gonna Steal Your White Girls Strut

22) Jerry Lee Lewis: The I’m Gonna Steal Your 13 Year Old White Girls Strut

21) Neil Young: The Old Man Take a Look at This Old Man (also, The “Man, You Think It’s Bad, I Have to Hear My Voice Every Damn Night”)

20) Bruce Springsteen: The “I’m Better Than You and Enjoying This Way More Than You Are” Maneuver

19) Roy Orbison: The “I Might Be Old and Blind But Not Useless” Old Useless Blind Guy Routine (author’s note: Roy Orbison not actually blind despite popular rumor)

18) Jimi Hendrix: The “Let My Guitar Do the Talking So I Can Minimize My Terrible Singing” move

17) Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins): The Let My Guitar Do the Talking…My Singing’s Worse Than Fucking Hendrix

16) David Lee Roth: The Chap in Assless Chaps

15) Elton John: The “Mr. Mayor, His Honorable Bespectacled Daffy Duck Butt” shuffle

14) Elvis Presley: The “Pelvis” and later, the “Fatvis”

13) Kurt Cobain: The “I’m So Affected I Don’t Even Care” (also, The “I Don’t Want My Money or Fame, All I Want Is This Green Cardigan”)

12) Noel Gallagher/Liam Gallagher (Oasis): The “Not Only Am I Bigger than the Beatles and Jesus, I’m Bigger than My Little Brother, Liam” and The “Not Only Am I Bigger than the Beatles and Jesus, I’m Bigger Than My Big Brother, Noel” respectively

11) Zack de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine): The Rage Against The Coffeemaker

10) Lou Reed: The “Who Turned on the Goddamned Sun!”

9) Joe Strummer: The Thanks to Political Injustice I Haven’t Taken a Shit in a Month

8) Robert Johnson: The I Just Killed a Woman with a Guitar String After She Sold My Soul to the Devil for a Can of Tuna Fish, and Later I Tried to Sell My Soul Again to Get Back that Tuna Fish ‘Cuz I Ain’t Ate in Three Days

7) Sid Vicious: The Comatose Dumbass

6) David Bowie: The “Won’t You Please Fuck My Space Age Man Pussy?”

5) Freddie Mercury: The Spandex Mustache

4) Bono: The ElectroChrist (Also, the Blue Blocker Jesus)

3) Neil Diamond: The Panty Melter

2) Tom Jones: The Panty Ejector

1) Axl Rose: The “Appetite for Chicken Wings & Heroin”