On the Pros & Cons of Knowing In Advance What Your Auto Glass Repairman Looks Like

As one of the millions of Americans ‘searching’ for work and finding the apparent pickings so slim as to even warrant a pick, I have, like my fellow millions, thus far failed to find much by way of constructive hobbies.  Of course I could lay down that six album rock opera I’ve always dreamed of recording, the one about the misunderstood teenage computer gamer who gets his revenge against some vague negative life influences; or I could finally take up woodcarving, exposing my lack of patience and artistic flair in equally quick and conclusive manner; or I could (continue) to amass the world’s (okay, local area’s) greatest collection of golden era pornography (early 2006 to mid-November 2008).  But none of these seemed anything less than a whole bunch of work.  So instead, like my millions, I decided to medicate my dying brain with a little TV. Continue reading


Political Miscourse

The Man’s been calling
Says he wants my vote
I got down to stalling
I wanted his throat

The Man says the solutions are simple
Raise, cut, redefine, redistribute
I suggested problems and a couple of wrinkles
Class warfare and war warfare & crony tributes

I wanted him gone but it got me to thinking
How far apart we were but how we’re both sinking
How we both thought we needed some major tinkering
And how the state of the world could drive a man to drinking Continue reading

How to Tolerate & Maximize Shopping with Your Lady Partner

1)    Always check the sports listings before agreeing to anything.  When your team is on the tube, hold your ground.  When any other team is on, say “Well, honbuns, I was going to watch the big game, but what the heck.”  This earns critical bonus points.

This guy, what a douche bag. But a seemingly successful douche bag at that.

2)    Tell her that the most important thing is that she likes the new clothes she’s shopping for.  Let her pick out a hearty selection, hit the changing room, then plug in your earpiece and check the game.  Upon each exit, shrug the shoulders, pout a bit, and tell her alternately “hmm, I kind of like it,” “that one’s…interesting…” or even a gutsy “nope, not so much…” She’ll appreciate your ‘honesty’ on the way to buying whatever she wanted to buy anyway.  You can ‘appreciate’ it later the one time she wears it.

Continue reading

Dear Mikeypoo2—I Hate to Tell You, but Cruising for Dudes on iPhone Scrabble Smacks of Total Desperation

The whole thing started off innocently enough.  I clicked the “Play Random Opponent” icon, and, enjoying the first turn, entered some awesome word.  I can’t recall exactly what it was—maybe “dariole” or “atelier”—you know, one of the obvious ones.  After picking up a quick 70, I took note the moniker of my new foe:  “Mikeypoo2.”  Instantly a feeling of unease overcame me. Continue reading

Guitar Face: Involuntary, Reflexive, & Totally Bitchin’

Guitar Face is a condition that afflicts thousands of string benders and riff munchers across the globe.  For those who suffer the condition, the consequences can be serious but in almost all cases non-fatal.  Symptoms include extreme contortions of the eyebrows, eyes, nose, mouth, and chin, and an insatiable appetite for rocking.

Like a drug addict, a person going through AIGFS (Acquired Involuntary Guitar Face Syndrome) rarely pauses to consider his or her condition but instead just keeps looking for that next big fix/killer riff/ear-destroying solo blast.  Myself a long-time sufferer, I decided to catalogue a few of the “GFs” I’ve made or witnessed in my many devious days in rawk.

I hope this proves helpful in diagnosing yourself or someone you love,  that it makes you cue up that old Iron Maiden Number of the Beast LP, or that it merely gives you a chuckle.


Pros & Cons of Becoming a Mixed Martial Artist (MMA Fighter)

I might not seem the type, but I love to watch mixed martial arts fighting (e.g. UFC, Pride Fighting Championship).  It fascinates me.  I think at one point of my life (pre-back and neck surgeries) I would have had a shot.  I coulda been somebody.  I coulda been a contenda.  Or….not. Below, some of the main pros and cons of my not-quite-yet-dead dream of becoming a modern day gladiator.

Pro: Huge potential for aggression release
Con: Huge potential for opponent’s aggression release
Pro: Study interesting fighting techniques from all over the globe
Con: Spend much time rolling around with another stinky sweaty man
Pro: Get to pick out cool fighting name ala Mike ‘Quick’ Swick or Nate “the Great” Marquardt
Con: Jon “Flabby Noodles”  Stang doesn’t appear to have roll-off-the-tongue quality
Pro: Improve stamina by going five five-minute rounds
Con: Heart attack a virtual lock
Pro: Get to meet interesting people from around the world
Con: They’re all meatheads intent on beating the living crap of out you
Pro: “Nut Cup” protects the old family jewels
Con: Rest of body not protected by any type of cup
Pro: Potential to make lots of money
Con: Potential is greatest through embarrassing neck break-related lawsuit
Pro: Chicks love a badass
Con: That’d be my opponent
Pro: Opportunity to be famous
Con: For being first MMA fatality in sanctioned event
Pro: Sport has evolved to include many fighting disciplines
Con: Many more ways to get my ass kicked
Pro: Get recognized routinely
Con: by Class A morons, rednecks, skeezers, buttmunches, jockos, and ass hats
Pro: Still got the old fire in the belly
Con: Fire spreads to kidneys after fight and results in peeing blood

Victoria’s Secret is Loose

You can tell a lot about person by looking at the bag they carry.  A few years ago in New York City  there was an explosion of women using those little pink-striped Victoria’s Secret bags (in which one originally carries her unmentionables home) as an everyday utility satchel.  I saw them on the train, in my apartment building, everywhere, really. Morning, noon, night.

Back to how bags can give you insight into people.  If you see someone carrying a Modell’s bag there’s a good chance he or she has interest not only in sports, but in sporting goods as well.  If carrying a MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) bag, it is likely indicative of a cultured interest in the fine arts.  Prada, Gucci, or Vuitton might mean money, though between the real deal Holyfield and the cheap Chinatown knockoffs it could be hard to tell.  Bags from the hipster outfits “Brooklyn Industries” and Manhattan Storage (in that order) display…well…your real (or imagined) hipness.  If you’re on the train with a tiny orange plastic bag, you’re a consumer of Chinatown foods (and apparently savvy enough to avoid fake Gucci).  Backpacks are for diligent students or diligent train bombers, etc. Continue reading