Whoa, Hold on a Sec…..FREE CATHETERS?!?

So I was hefting a liter at the bocal lar…shocking, dear friends, I know…

The five flat screens perched perilously above blurted visual ephemera whilst AC/DC rocked the juke. When flat out of nowhere, I saw it there plainly on the screen:

CALL NOW FOR YOUR FREE CATHETER!

Artfully designed, medically necessary medical aid? Or sadistic sicknening schwanz reamer?

Artfully designed, medically necessary health aid? Or sadistic sicknening schwanz reamer?

Yes, dear friends, it said FREE CATHETER.  So many questions raced through my mind…

“You mean I’m not going to pay a dime, a penny or even a nickel to poke a GIANT needle up my tiny peehole with minimal training and virtually no instruction?”

No, fine sir, it’s free and easy to use.

“So I can just shove that sick ramrod unceremoniously right up into my vulnerable cockles and wiz?”

That’s what they’re there for.

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On the Pros & Cons of Knowing In Advance What Your Auto Glass Repairman Looks Like

As one of the millions of Americans ‘searching’ for work and finding the apparent pickings so slim as to even warrant a pick, I have, like my fellow millions, thus far failed to find much by way of constructive hobbies.  Of course I could lay down that six album rock opera I’ve always dreamed of recording, the one about the misunderstood teenage computer gamer who gets his revenge against some vague negative life influences; or I could finally take up woodcarving, exposing my lack of patience and artistic flair in equally quick and conclusive manner; or I could (continue) to amass the world’s (okay, local area’s) greatest collection of golden era pornography (early 2006 to mid-November 2008).  But none of these seemed anything less than a whole bunch of work.  So instead, like my millions, I decided to medicate my dying brain with a little TV. Continue reading

Top Ten Shows I’d Rather Watch than American Idol

Former logo of American Idol from 2002 to 2008.

Image via Wikipedia

Look folks, I used to be a big fan.  In fact, I go back all the way back to Season One and a little pop sensation I like to call Kelly Clarkson.  But the show has gotten stale, “jumping” Fonzi’s famous shark several seasons past.  Shoot, even the normally calm and tolerant Simon Cowell can’t take it anymore.  So it got me to thinking…if any American-themed show were available to replace the 260 hours of weekly Idol and Idol-related Fox content, what would I consider as an alternative? 

And with that, the Top Ten Shows I’d Rather Watch Than American Idol

10) American Garbage Can—a straight hour of any random American garbage can.  Maybe you see garbage dumped in, maybe you don’t.  If someone drops off a load, you’ll be especially lucky to catch a quick open, sniff, expression of disgust, and rapid shut. 

9) American Colostomy Bag —a weekly special dedicated to the procedure—ne fine art—that is the removal of human waste via the bypassing of the lower intestines and excretory system.

8 ) American Cowpie (dried up cow dung) Toss—who doesn’t love an old-fashioned cowpie toss?  Plus, there must surely be some crossover fans between AC (‘merican Colonoscopy) and ACT

7) American Tuna Fish—a day in the life of a can of Tuna Fish.  Utilizes state-of-the-art technologies such as the Grocery Cart Cam and Cupboard Cam.  Television viewing on the topic of tuna has never been so tasty.

6) American Back Pain—From visits to the specialist, chiropractor, back to the specialist, to the pharmacist, back to old Dr. Budweiser, this show chronicles the spellbindingly non-specific yet crippling condition of lower to mid and upper back pain, told from the perspective of Jerry, a 44 year-old plumber and father of three from Hoboken, NJ.  Things take a wild turn in Season Two when “that hippy friend” of Jerry’s wife convinces him to try Yoga.  Once.

5) American Freak-O-Nature—from Paula LaGrange’s impossibly wide bottom to Frank Dellareese’s freaky third nipple, this show ensures that at least the most fucked-up among us get our 15 minutes of fame.  If you missed last year’s season opener (“Unibrows and the Women Who Love Them”) be sure not to miss this year’s, entitled “Belly Button Funk: Get Funky!”

4) American Spittoon—this one will launch you back in time to when your pappy, grandpappy, uncle, cousin, brother, or son used to “gather everybody around the old spittoon” to tell stories about adventure, adversity, and snus.  Well, mostly just snus.

3) American Cheese—concept still in development, but the material thus far seems overly processed and virtually tasteless.  Critics and fans alike won’t shed many tears when this series is mercifully “individually wrapped.”

2) American Lint Filter—the first all-out drama to make the Top Ten list, this show touchingly reenacts the trials and travails that can occur when a lint trap is wholly overloaded and leads to explosion and/or generally poor indoor air quality. 

1) America’s Got Talent—no seriously.  I’d rather watch this.  No, I’d rather drop a cowpie in a spittoon, the contents of which were deposited by America’s most degenerate freak, wrap it in American cheese, slather it generously with tuna fish, roll the concoction vigorously in lint, let it fester on the sweaty mid-back of Jerry from Hoboken’s sweaty plumber’s back and then feed it to myself through my own colostomy tube.  I’m done.