How to Tolerate & Maximize Shopping with Your Lady Partner

1)    Always check the sports listings before agreeing to anything.  When your team is on the tube, hold your ground.  When any other team is on, say “Well, honbuns, I was going to watch the big game, but what the heck.”  This earns critical bonus points.

This guy, what a douche bag. But a seemingly successful douche bag at that.

2)    Tell her that the most important thing is that she likes the new clothes she’s shopping for.  Let her pick out a hearty selection, hit the changing room, then plug in your earpiece and check the game.  Upon each exit, shrug the shoulders, pout a bit, and tell her alternately “hmm, I kind of like it,” “that one’s…interesting…” or even a gutsy “nope, not so much…” She’ll appreciate your ‘honesty’ on the way to buying whatever she wanted to buy anyway.  You can ‘appreciate’ it later the one time she wears it.

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Victoria’s Secret is Loose

You can tell a lot about person by looking at the bag they carry.  A few years ago in New York City  there was an explosion of women using those little pink-striped Victoria’s Secret bags (in which one originally carries her unmentionables home) as an everyday utility satchel.  I saw them on the train, in my apartment building, everywhere, really. Morning, noon, night.

Back to how bags can give you insight into people.  If you see someone carrying a Modell’s bag there’s a good chance he or she has interest not only in sports, but in sporting goods as well.  If carrying a MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) bag, it is likely indicative of a cultured interest in the fine arts.  Prada, Gucci, or Vuitton might mean money, though between the real deal Holyfield and the cheap Chinatown knockoffs it could be hard to tell.  Bags from the hipster outfits “Brooklyn Industries” and Manhattan Storage (in that order) display…well…your real (or imagined) hipness.  If you’re on the train with a tiny orange plastic bag, you’re a consumer of Chinatown foods (and apparently savvy enough to avoid fake Gucci).  Backpacks are for diligent students or diligent train bombers, etc. Continue reading