Top Ten Sneaking Suspicions About The Tailgating Turd Of The North

WARNING: This post contains adult language and crude attempts at humor

I live on the northern fringe of a largish metropolitan area, just at the tipping point where urban civilization yields to rolling seas of forest and White people.  Lots of White people. And that’s okay—shoot, I’m one of ‘em—but when they buy comically large F-350s, festoon (I’m pretty sure they’d call it ‘makin’ her badass,’ but I like festoon) them with silly stickers, detailing, and adornments, and then drive them right up my asshole—well, that’s not okay.

Not TTN's actual "poon machine" but you get the point.

Today I found myself tooling along carelessly in my little toy Corolla when some asshat I now regard as the Tailgating Turd of the North (TTN) decided my bumper looked ripe for some good old-fashioned vehicular rape.  As his passive-aggressiveness morphed into pure rage, he got closer and closer, he and his shit-kickin’ buddy Cletus.  Now shame on me for trying to prove some kind of point by maintaining an even-keeled but still above-the-limit speed.  That was about the equivalent of trying to describe nuclear physics to a kitten or rocket scientry to George Bush.  But still…dude…f-off already. Continue reading

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How to Tolerate & Maximize Shopping with Your Lady Partner

1)    Always check the sports listings before agreeing to anything.  When your team is on the tube, hold your ground.  When any other team is on, say “Well, honbuns, I was going to watch the big game, but what the heck.”  This earns critical bonus points.

This guy, what a douche bag. But a seemingly successful douche bag at that.

2)    Tell her that the most important thing is that she likes the new clothes she’s shopping for.  Let her pick out a hearty selection, hit the changing room, then plug in your earpiece and check the game.  Upon each exit, shrug the shoulders, pout a bit, and tell her alternately “hmm, I kind of like it,” “that one’s…interesting…” or even a gutsy “nope, not so much…” She’ll appreciate your ‘honesty’ on the way to buying whatever she wanted to buy anyway.  You can ‘appreciate’ it later the one time she wears it.

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Dear Mikeypoo2—I Hate to Tell You, but Cruising for Dudes on iPhone Scrabble Smacks of Total Desperation

The whole thing started off innocently enough.  I clicked the “Play Random Opponent” icon, and, enjoying the first turn, entered some awesome word.  I can’t recall exactly what it was—maybe “dariole” or “atelier”—you know, one of the obvious ones.  After picking up a quick 70, I took note the moniker of my new foe:  “Mikeypoo2.”  Instantly a feeling of unease overcame me. Continue reading

Pros & Cons of Becoming an Alcoholic so I can Finish My Great Novel

Everyone knows booze and writing great books go hand in hand like opium and penning your memoirs.  After reading the bios of such heavyweights as Hunter S. Thompson, Tennessee Williams, Dylan Thomas, Edgar Allen Poe, Truman Capote, Jack Kerouac William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Joyce, and Hemingway, to name just 8, I found there was one common denominator—yep, that’s right, the juice.

NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE & CONTENT Continue reading

You Say Tuh-May-Toe & I Say Those Things Are Disgusting: Oh, Our Quirky Little Differences

You ever notice those funny little preferences that are actually pretty insignificant but about which we feel strongly? Well I decided to ponder a few of those in this short but let’s face it hysterically humorous accounting.

For example, some insist the toilet paper must be placed on the holder such that the paper rolls over the top coming away from the wall, while others insist that it should actually be slung back toward the wall and then clutched from beneath the roll.

Or, let’s take eating a cob of corn. Some folks are quite positive the best way to go is “typewriter” style, where you chomp, chomp, chomp your way down the cob then ‘ding’ rotate and repeat, while others prefer the pure rotation method which entails maintaining a single left to right position, rotating the delectable and potentially butter drenched ear in a clockwise or counterclockwise position, and only when a full mouth sized ring has been completed does one scale down the cob toward the other end and engage in another rotation of chomping.

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT & IRREVERENT CONTENT Continue reading

Top 15 Signs Your Loved One Is Becoming A Republican or Democrat

It’s always hard to watch someone you love get tossed about the rough and tumble seas of life—particularly when influenced by insidious others, substances, or forces.  Think of the budding terrorist, the alcoholic, or the online chat lover.  While there is always a neighbor or two available to confirm he “saw nothing out of the ordinary” and that the neighbor in question “was just a regular guy,” there are always too those left behind who blame themselves and only then recognize the missed early warning signs.  It’s no different with young Republicans and Democrats.  Below, the top fifteen signs (in no particular order) that your loved one may be on the brink of becoming a full-blown left or righty.

Donkey-esque Democrat Symbol: It Does Take Moxie to Adopt as Your Mascot, LITERALLY, an Ass

Elephant-esque GOP Symbol: Accurate in That Many are Old, Slow, Plodding, & Have Long Memories of Own Bad Policy Decisions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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