This is a collection of my virtually unrecognized though undeniably hysterical “Pros & Cons” series. These can be found in the bloggy part of the blog, but put here in a sort of compendium of funny.
Pros & Cons of Becoming an Alcoholic so I can Finish My Great Novel
Everyone knows booze and writing great books go hand in hand like opium and penning your memoirs. After reading the bios of such heavyweights as Hunter S. Thompson,Tennessee Williams, Dylan Thomas, Edgar Allen Poe, Truman Capote, Jack Kerouac, William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, James Joyce, and Hemingway, to name just 8, I found there was one common denominator—yep, that’s right, the juice.
NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE & CONTENT
ADDITIONAL NOTE: Before you get all up in my biz about how alcoholism is nothing to joke about, don’t. This is a piece of satire. Mostly. Kind of. Enough already! Get off my f-in’ back for cripes sake geez sometimes a guy just wants to kick back with a fifth so he can get his head straight for a while!
So, with that, then, I present the Prose (get it?) and Cons of “becoming” an alcoholic so I can finally pen my first book, a humanity-changing magnum opus that works on all levels.
Pro: .05% increase in chance of finishing
Con: Margin of error of +/- .05% (blood alcohol level of .35 +/- .10)
Pro: Get to go straight to the hard stuff
Con: Ever heard of a perforated ulcer?
Pro: Join the ranks of the above named and other greats…
Con: …in the grave.
Pro: 85,000-word opus!
Con: Can only make out, with the one good eye open, about 3,500
Pro: Hard-hitting, balls-out writing style virtually a lock
Con: Head hurting, kick-to-the-groin hangover 100% guaranteed
Pro: Drink guilt-free by noon, as it’s all part of the job
Con: Coma-like sleep, sans pants, by 2 p.m.
Pro: Daily satisfaction of job well done
Con: On second look who the fuck am I kidding
Pro: Finally, something I can really sink my teeth into
Con: Chipped tooth on piss warm Old Style beer bottle left on cigarette-butt-strewn coffee table, woozily trying to open by mouth whilst crashing into davenport
Pro: Some chicks dig the lost desperate artist type
Con: They’re those chicks.
Pro: No boss man hasslin’ me all damn time, askin’ me this that motherfucker, it’s my way or highway…insuffffferable….asshat!
Con: It’s the highway.
Pro: Advent of laptop facilitated creative process
Con: MacBook Pro piss-poor at absorbing spilled quart of gin
So as you can see, the cons outweigh the pros, at least on paper…or…off…whichever way it should be to be better in this case and yes by the way yes the on paper pun is just as of now intended. Ha!
Guess I’ll do it the old fashioned way. Wonder where a guy gets him some opium these days…
Pros & Cons of Becoming a Mixed-Martial Arts (MMA) Fighter
I might not seem the type, but I love to watch mixed martial arts fighting (e.g. UFC, Pride Fighting Championship). It fascinates me. I think at one point of my life (pre-back and neck surgeries) I would have had a shot. I coulda been somebody. I coulda been a contenda. Or….not. Below, some of the main pros and cons of my not-quite-yet-dead dream of becoming a modern day gladiator.
Pro: Huge potential for aggression release
Con: Huge potential for opponent’s aggression release
Pro: Study interesting fighting techniques from all over the globe
Con: Spend much time rolling around with another stinky sweaty man
Pro: Get to pick out cool fighting name ala Mike ‘Quick’ Swick or Nate “the Great” Marquardt
Con: Jon “Flabby Noodles” Stang doesn’t appear to have roll-off-the-tongue quality
Pro: Improve stamina by going five five-minute rounds
Con: Heart attack a virtual lock
Pro: Get to meet interesting people from around the world
Con: They’re all meatheads intent on beating the living crap of out you
Pro: “Nut Cup” protects the old family jewels
Con: Rest of body not protected by any type of cup
Pro: Potential to make lots of money
Con: Potential is greatest through embarrassing neck break-related lawsuit
Pro: Chicks love a badass
Con: That’d be my opponent
Pro: Opportunity to be famous
For being first MMA
fatality in sanctioned event
Pro: Sport has evolved to include many fighting disciplines
Con: Many more ways to get my ass kicked
Pro: Get recognized routinely
Con: by Class A morons, rednecks, skeezers, buttmunches, jockos, and ass hats
Pro: Still got the old fire in the belly
Con: Fire spreads to kidneys after fight and results in peeing blood
Pros & Cons of Bus Ridership
Pro: Inexpensive form of transit
Con: Inexpensive form of transit (carries its own aesthetic and social costs)
Con: Increases VMTNTTCLFDTB (Vehicle Miles Traveled Next to That Crazy Lady from Down the Block)
Pro: Handicap/disability accessible
Con: Hoodrat (thug) accessible
Pro: Convenient routing through most major areas and neighborhoods
Con: Runs once a day through most major areas and neighborhoods
Pro: Convenient card-based fare system
Con: Always out of money
Pro: Least infrastructure-intensive mass transit option
Con: Supports our most infrastructure-intensive mass transit option (road network)
Pro: Affordable and important part of inter-modal transport systems
Con: Can you say LOSER CRUISER?
Con: Can’t eat or drink on bus
Pro: Fine selection of gum underneath bus seats you can enjoy upon alighting
Pro: Bus driver friendlier in morning than grouch-ass carpool mates
Con: Cheerfulness of bus driver in morning makes me want to stab his eyes out with a rusty spoon
Pro: Promotes community, awareness of environmental costs of transit
Con: Community overrated, no one cares about environmental costs
Pros & Cons of Living in Philadelphia, PA
Pro: City of Brotherly Love (now the City that Loves You Back)
Con: high murder rate
Pro: Proximity to New York City
Con: It’s NOT New York City
Pro: Indefatigable faith that things will get better
Con: Illegal wiretap in Mayor’s office and Molotov cocktail in opponent’s office
Pro: University of Pennsylvania
Pro: Classic architecture
Con: 60,000 abandoned homes
Pro: Seven major sports stadiums in massive south side sports complex
Con: Only four major sports teams
Pro: William Penn’s original grid, and upscale Center City
Con: North, West, and most of South Philly
Pro: Once called “the Workshop of the World”
Con: The shop is closed
Pro: Low rents and housing prices
Con: Who wants to live in Philly?
Pro: Two major rivers flow through Philadelphia
Con: They’re brown
Pro: Close to Washington, Baltimore, and NYC
Con: CLOSER to Camden, Wilmington, and Newark
Pro: Hoagies and Cheesesteaks
Con: Hoagies and Cheesesteaks (fattest city in the nation)
Yo! Philly’s the s@#t!