I Just Got My Personal Letter From Mitt Romney & Man, Am I Disappointed

I picked up the mail today and, what’s this, a personal letter from Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney?  I’m touched that a man of his pedigree would take time out of his busy day to write me.

So let’s have a look at this bad boy.

“Dear John,”

Okay, right there, off to a bad start.  There’s no ‘h,’ and I rarely shorten my name.  Really, I only allow it from close friends and family members. But this is Mitt Romney we’re talking about, so maybe I need to let this minor faux pas slide.  Moving on.

“I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.” Continue reading

Top 15 Signs Your Loved One Is Becoming A Republican or Democrat

It’s always hard to watch someone you love get tossed about the rough and tumble seas of life—particularly when influenced by insidious others, substances, or forces.  Think of the budding terrorist, the alcoholic, or the online chat lover.  While there is always a neighbor or two available to confirm he “saw nothing out of the ordinary” and that the neighbor in question “was just a regular guy,” there are always too those left behind who blame themselves and only then recognize the missed early warning signs.  It’s no different with young Republicans and Democrats.  Below, the top fifteen signs (in no particular order) that your loved one may be on the brink of becoming a full-blown left or righty.

Donkey-esque Democrat Symbol: It Does Take Moxie to Adopt as Your Mascot, LITERALLY, an Ass

Elephant-esque GOP Symbol: Accurate in That Many are Old, Slow, Plodding, & Have Long Memories of Own Bad Policy Decisions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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101 Reasons to Love Sarah Palin (Satire)

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1)     Perky, perky, perky

2)     Husband a world champion “snow machine” racer

3)     Fashionable sense in glasses

4)     Cares about her family more than you care about yours

5)     Most patriotic woman alive

6)     Penchant for exotic Christianity (Pentacostal)

7)     Opposes protection for whales, who have been hogging the spotlight for years

8)     Qualifications City, baby! Continue reading

Special "How To" Feature: How to Select a Political Party or Candidate

1) Pick a 24 hour cable news channel, down large quantity of trucker’s speed or equivalent, & consume programming nonstop for 3 to 4 days. Voila! Your opinions, conspiratorial suspicions, and virulent hatred of “those people” on “the other side” should now be fully absorbed!2) Flip coin (sorry Greens, Libertarians, & Independents, there are only two sides on the current coin format).3) Fully analyze the platforms of the respective parties, and research thoroughly the voting records of individual politicians for whom you think you might vote. Naw, scratch that one…too much work!4) Ask the biggest douche bag you know about his/her political preferences and simply adopt the exact opposite.

5) Take a few minutes and jot down your thoughts on the following: how many people, on an average day, do you want to bomb the living shit out of? Which candidate would you most like to enjoy a frosty mug of ice cold beer with? Who do you think is best fit to run the world—business, government, or government officials in bed with big business? Screw guns and butter, what about nukes or decent K-12 education? Continue reading